Seeking joy

I've been thinking a lot about joy lately, what it means to me, what it looks and feels like, and more importantly what place I give it in my life.

I spent most of my life until my mid-30s trying to control the outcome of things because I was in such fear of the unknown, especially because of living with an undiagnosed bipolar mood disorder.

This led me to fearing joy because I associated this feeling of bliss with uncontrollable impulsivity related to hypomania. This hypomanic mood state characterized by grandiose feelings landed me in difficult situations, often saying yes to things before actually thinking them through: spending money I didn’t have, having risky interactions with strangers and using alcohol + drugs in a mindless way.

I don't think I've ever had the luxury of reflecting on joy like this because I used to be stuck in a revolving door of mental health crises. The thought of seeking joy was frivolous back then- I just wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel suicidal. It wasn't joy that I was seeking but rather an escape that would allow me to numb those terrifying things in my mind. What a gift to be able to say to myself “this feels good and I want more of it”, and not in an unhealthy addictive way.

Now being at a very different point in my life with 13 years of recovery from this mental health condition along with addiction, joy has a different association for me. I’ve noticed over the years how taking care of my mental health using my daily mental wellness routine gives me space to do things that bring me joy, since I’m no longer only doing the things I have to check off in order to be okay. I've carved out a lot of time in my life to surround myself with experiences that bring me pleasure. How different I feel now that I can prioritize joy in my life…

Last night I had a friend over and cooked a big meal for us. It brought me so much joy to taste the food I had prepared and shared with her, along with the conversation about being in flow and how good that feels in our lives. I also had this awesome conversation with someone close to me about the purpose of relationships and I came to “well isn't the purpose of relationships to experience joy with another and with oneself?”. I guess the idea of joy is surrounding me and I can see it as part of my life rather than ”something I don’t get to have because I am so unwell”.

So I want to come back to my first question: what does joy feel like to me? It's a sensation, a felt-sense, a moment of being so deeply present that nothing else matters and it just feels right. Perhaps a state of mind when, in that moment doing that specific thing, I'm in flow and everything just pours out of me as if I already know the answer and where to go next.

Riding a bicycle, feeling like a kid! Or listening to a specific piece of music that moves me, that's joy. When I’m writing, it’s like I feel a burst of joyful energy. Going out dancing to music that moves me, that's blissful joy. The sense of a person's touch that feels safe and being held in a way that is deeply connected, that is such a pleasure and joy. Being playful and singing my heart out to a bad 80s tune, that is joy!

Seeking joy can be such a powerful driver; I know today that if I don't seek joy in my life, I may wake up in the morning without purpose and feel lost, because I used to feel that daily. I now know my purpose is to be my full self, an igniter of hope, a connector and a catalyst. And being in my purpose brings me joy.

I've come to understand in these 13 years of roller-coaster healing that one of the goals of recovery is to enjoy this one life I’ve been given. I no longer believe that joy is a frivolous thing, but rather something I need to experience, especially when things are difficult or life seems to crush dreams.

Seeking joy is my protest through the darkest times.

STRUGGLES-2-STRENGTHS BLOG aims to connect with those experiencing Bipolar Disorder (BD) like myself, as well as those who support them. Please share with others and don’t hesitate to comment

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