Lost and found

I’ve been struggling finding a way to write about what I’ve been experiencing these past weeks. As I navigate grief and loss, I’ve been a bit at a loss for words.

I’ve mentioned before that one of the tells of my growth and healing isn’t whether I still feel the same difficult emotions, but rather the behaviors I choose to have around them.

One of those signs of healing is that this recent unexpected transition in my life has not triggered a bipolar episode for me. Instead of pushing down my feelings, which usually sparks a bipolar episode for me, I’ve simply felt my feelings and let them pass through me. Quite a different approach than my past self would have engaged with.

One of the hallmarks of the human experience is loss: we lose friends and partners to change, people die of old age and tragic endings, jobs are quit or taken away, dreams of families and big hopes burn up, and all things come to an end. No matter the shape of my loss, I find grieving is an important part of my process. The only way something can hold this much grief is because it holds so much meaning to me.

This mood disorder I live with doesn’t make me any different in regards to loss and grief- though it does impact me in a way that others might not experience. My personal major triggers for debilitating mood swings are lack of sleep and emotional stressors. Loss and grief have definitely triggered bipolar episodes for me in the past; I’ve had to be mindful of how I manage my emotions since without a balanced mindstate, severe depression or dangerous hypomania are just around the corner. That’s why having a healthy relationship with my feelings is essential.

The image that has inhabited me this week has been a spaceshuttle taking off: the shuttle itself ready to launch, powered by 2 rockets on either side. The only way it can be propelled into the atmosphere is by getting launched by the fire power of those 2 rockets. As the spaceshuttle reaches the altitude of no-return, the rockets phase out and release, their job complete. And then, that ship rises and crosses through the earth’s atmosphere, no longer affected by gravitational pull. It is literally flying free.

This loss feels kind of like that; the presence of another helping rocket me up into my atmosphere of life, and falling away when it was time to go. I could not have been propelled to this place in my life without it, and yet it needed to be released for me to thrive forward.

Lost and found.

STRUGGLES-2-STRENGTHS BLOG aims to connect with those experiencing Bipolar Disorder (BD) like myself, as well as those who support them. Please share with others and don’t hesitate to comment

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