Superpowers: our double-edged sword

Lately I’ve been experiencing that double-edged sword of gift and curse wrapped in one.

We all experience in some part of who we are an asset that can feel like a liability. However it can also be the other way around- a liability that is an asset.

A superpower.

For me, that double-edged sword looks like the excitement and potential devastation of hypomania, a mood state experienced in Bipolar Disorder.

This mood has started creeping up for me these past weeks, a state that is often misunderstood as a “high” or “intense happiness". What actually characterizes hypomanic states are: rapid thought, rapid speech, irritability, lack of sleep, impulsivity, delusions of grandeur, intense creativity output and hypersexuality. All at the same time.

My hypomanic episodes are usually accompanied with rapid shifting into depression (daily cyclical shift from depressive morning to hypomanic evening which is called ultra-rapid cycling). All together they make for a potentially destructive tornado in one’s life. However when supported and channeled safely, this powerful hypomanic energy can lead to the most amazing creative experiences.

Total superpower.

My bipolar brain when in this state feels like an exhilarating high that never ends. Unfortunately, when it crashes it can spin out into devastating depressions. In 2021 that episode ended with me in the hospital — which is why I get to take these mood swings seriously.

Prior to being diagnosed and having awareness of how my brain works, my hypomanic episodes brought me to places of acute spending sprees (with money I didn’t have), impulsively engaging in risky sexual relationships (with people I didn’t trust) and seeking out drug-fuelled environments.

Now sober for almost 12 years, I can thankfully manage these episodes without the haze of alcohol and drugs. The key for self-regulating during these times is awareness. It is self-awareness that gives me the power of choice.

Today, in 2023, I manage my hypomanic phases in a safer and more positive way. I’ve learned that this mood state is an untapped well of abundant creative flow, so I use it. I channel into dancing, writing, songwriting and extensive exercise. My superpower of limitless creation…

I accept that my dramatic shifts from depression to hypomania require intense presence. Rather than getting frustrated at these severe mood swings, I choose to see them as an opportunity to express myself.

Expressing our creativity is vital to our healing.

That’s my superpower today. What’s yours?

STRUGGLES-2-STRENGTHS BLOG aims to connect with those experiencing Bipolar Disorder (BD) like myself, as well as their friends and family. Please share with others and don’t hesitate to comment!

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