Newly diagnosed...now what?

I remember how it was. I had just been diagnosed and a weight had been lifted from my whole being. Though once that settled, I wondered, now what? 

I really didn't know what was next. I had been told I lived with bipolar disorder 2, that we should look at medication to help mitigate/control the hypomania, adding three different types of medication to my already medicated regime, and... I was kind of clueless. I had no idea what the future would be.

The fear took hold and I just couldn't imagine the rest of my life. Total anxious response of course, since who can actually know what the rest of their life will be like? 

I was reminded of the beginning of that journey today. Someone reached out to me because they were in deep need of support and ressources. I shared the ones I knew of, and also mentioned that I have “specific support for my mental health condition". 

They were intrigued at my disclosure and shared that they live with bipolar.  “Do you know what that is?”, they asked.  I immediately responded “actually me me too. I've been in recovery with both bipolar disorder and addiction for 15 years.”

They gasped.  "I couldn't have reached out to a better person... who would have known".  Serendipitous really.  Often a lot of these things happen. We don't know why we're pulled toward a certain person or situation, but it ends up being exactly what we need. 

I literally felt like I was speaking to my younger self... It was a very moving moment.  I wish I'd had someone 15 years ago be able to be so direct and caring,  and willing to disclose with me about their particular condition. 

I described to them how bipolar manifests for me,  shifting quickly from depression to hypomania. I was told that this is known as mixed episodes.  It is extremely confusing to experience both of these things at once: the irritable and anxious depression, scared in my mind and I not knowing how to express it, looking like anger on the outside. All this mixed with hypomania:  rapid speech, rapid thought, inability to focus or actually the opposite (hyper focus) along with impulsivity and lack of sleep. 

I shared how scared I felt in my mind with all this mind-chaos.  Once I understood that these internal experiences were an understandable part of this mental health condition, I was able to seek out support. I no longer had to be alone with it anymore, and I no longer felt like I was broken.  I eventually learned that I don't have to fix it but rather that I can learn to live with it. 

They expressed such relief at being able to speak with someone who can relate to the confusing experience in their mind, especially since their loved ones want to help, but don’t know how. 

I’ve been on the receiving end of that so many times… I remember what it felt like to be surrounded by those who cared yet didn’t understand.  That’s why learning about this condition was so essential, both for me (the one with bipolar) and also for my support circle and loved ones.

I was reminded today that the journey I've been on has been very long and that I now know that I wouldn't change my life as it is. 15 years ago I would have done anything to change that part of my life because it felt so complicated and felt so hopeless.

I am so grateful that I have the capacity to support people that are newly recovering with bipolar disorder. Not only is my own lived experience of value, but also my training with peer support work, mental health first aid training, and years of supporting people in a substance abuse recovery program. 

There is such richness there that it would feel like a disservice to keep it to myself… Thank goodness I'm in a stable enough place to share it with others.

Now what? 

Keep paying it forward.

✨STRUGGLES-2-STRENGTHS BLOG aims to connect with those experiencing Bipolar Disorder (BD) like myself, as well as those who support them, by sharing reflections on personal experiences rather than clinical perspectives. Please share with others and don’t hesitate to comment✨

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