20 years ago
- Joëlle P
- Jun 5, 2025
- 3 min read
I was reminded this week of a pivotal experience in my development as an educator, which is also related to my recovery with bipolar disorder.
I started my educator career at a small therapeutic boarding school in New Hampshire called Oliverian School. I saw one of the school’s posts on social media this week about celebrating pride month, and it brought me back 20 years…
In 2005, I volunteered at Oliverian in hopes of being offered a job, and I was. I had told the headmaster, Barclay Mackinnon, “I will accept the job and live on campus on one condition: that my partner can visit me and I won't have to hide who I am”. I said this as I pointed to my black eye and broken nose; I had been assaulted the previous week in Montreal, in broad daylight, because my partner and I had shown affection in public, because we were queer.
Barclay smiled and said to me: “All of you is welcome here”.
And I truly felt it.
Interestingly, this is also the time when my undiagnosed bipolar disorder started causing real difficulties for me. I started drinking daily to self-medicate the mood swings that I didn't understand. I was so scared of what was going on in my head... And no one else knew about it because I was hiding it so well.
The emotional and mental distress from these mood swings gave me such a scare that I ended up leaving my job and home at Oliverian School halfway through the 2007 school year. I could no longer show up as a dorm parent to these youth, nor could I think clearly as a teacher… It broke my heart.
This place, the students, the staff, these people were my community, this was my passion. And as I lived on campus, this was also my home. I had to make the very difficult decision to leave in order to heal.
Unbeknownst to me, I had just experienced my first bipolar mixed episode with severe depression and hypomania, and I was suicidal. Throughout the distressing confusion of it all, all I could do was tell the headmaster that “I wasn't well anymore and I had to go”, but I just didn't know where I was going or exactly what I was trying to heal from.
It took another 4 years to figure out what was going on. In 2011, now back in Canada and teaching in Vancouver, I had the next major mental breakdown. This time it was in my grade 7 classroom, in front of all my students. Once more, the intense fear plagued me. Luckily, I was fast-tracked to see a psychiatrist and finally diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder. What a relief…
Here I am 20 years later as I celebrate the immense discipline and commitment it has taken to understand my condition and manage it well. And now, I can help others.
If you are someone who is newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder and scared about the journey that lies ahead, know that you are not alone. All of us who are on this journey stand with you. Healing is possible. And the only thing that lies between you and your recovery is your decision to take the next step.
Your struggles are your strengths.
STRUGGLES-2-STRENGTHS BLOG aims to connect with those experiencing Bipolar Disorder (BD) like myself, as well as those who support them, by sharing reflections on personal experiences rather than clinical perspectives. Please share with others and don’t hesitate to comment
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