The Authentic Lens

My recent time out in nature on my yearly solo trip to T’szil mountain (commonly known as Mt. Currie) brought back lots of memories and reflections on my past. 

The photographer in me always takes my camera with me.  No, not the one on my phone – my digital SLR that allows me to zoom in completely in the viewfinder and lose myself in the moment. And that camera lens takes me into beautiful worlds.

Reflecting on what I thought my life would be many years ago, versus what it actually is now, has had me seeing how my personal lens can deeply shift how I see things in reality. 

That one picture of me, belly down on the ground, so intently focused on that viewfinder on the camera, completely absorbed by that little mountain flower.  Such joy in that moment.

It reminds me that 34 years ago, at the age of 14, I dreamed of being a National Geographic photographer. But what I didn't know then was that the things I desired, and that I was pulled to do in life, would have nothing to do with the title.  

I'm not currently a photographer for that magazine, nor do I plan on being one. But I do find myself seeking out natural wild spaces, down on my belly with my face in a viewfinder, alone with the noises and sounds of nature and looking at the microscopic life that is hidden from us all when we move so quickly. 

I still love this. I still find myself completely in flow when behind a camera focused on that one minute thing. So whether the title I have is making a living as being a traveling nature photographer, or whether I am simply doing it for the pleasure for myself, is unimportant. 

This makes me think about some of  the delusions of grandeur that I've had during hypomanic energy, these huge ideas of projects that I've wanted to accomplish.  Or maybe this has nothing to do with bipolar disorder and more so with the fact that I am such a dreamer.  And the latter is what has made me feel so passionate about my life.

The interesting point here is to learn to discern between these two experiences – hypomanic grandeur vs passionate interest – so as to ensure that I can have a good quality of life, no matter if I have accomplished those big dreams or if I have tried to become “the thing that I thought I would be”. Because with the highs and lows of bipolar, let me tell you, there's been a lot of disappointment in my life. There have been many moments of “wow, this is definitely not how I thought my life would be”. The struggles brought on by the intense distress of episodes required that I refocus on things that I could actually do, rather than what I wished I could do. 

I would say now, when I look back, I finally know that piece of the puzzle that allows me to discern if a dream is an unrealistic project of hypomanic source or a realistic endeavour that is sustainable for me:

It’s not how big the dream is, it’s whether it is fuelled by frantic impulsivity or guided by planned realism.

These last days I’ve spent with myself, deep in nature with the least amount of human-made noise possible, is really what I dreamed of at the age of 14 at the thought of being a photographer for that magazine.  Slowing down, paying precise attention to the natural world and drinking in that which is greater than me. 

It doesn't matter if I have the title – I have the experience and that is what makes me feel at home within myself.

STRUGGLES-2-STRENGTHS BLOG aims to connect with those experiencing Bipolar Disorder (BD) like myself, as well as those who support them, by sharing reflections on personal experiences rather than clinical perspectives. Please share with others and don’t hesitate to comment

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